it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
