Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
