maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
