Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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