Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
