John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.