I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
