that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
