Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
