I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
