Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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