a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
