quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
