i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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