hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
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Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
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C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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