My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
