Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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