He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
