Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
