Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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