Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
