New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
