A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
