Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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