i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Houston, we have a squirter
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
