The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
