forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
