5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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