I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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