Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I AM VODKA MAN
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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