I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
