You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
