Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We left an ass print on the piano.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
