trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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