Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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