i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
