Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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