Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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