getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
