So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
