if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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