You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
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i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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