he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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