My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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