Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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