I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We got so high we made milksteak
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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