I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
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Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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