It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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