I must be too annoying 4 u.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
