I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
