im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I would fuck him just for his dog
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