im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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