My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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