Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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