Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
