all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
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Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize