So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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