I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
what day is it and did you see me today?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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