I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
