hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
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Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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